Tag Archives: courage

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Do You Ever Feel Like a Fraud?

Five ways to get back on top of your game

Woman looking in the mirror

Do you ever feel like the world’s worst parent? The employee who really doesn’t know what you’re doing? The entrepreneur who is faking it more than making it? The musician, athlete, artist, diaper-changer who can’t imagine that you have anything good to offer others? I sure do.

I have intense moments of crippling self-doubt. Moments of sheer exhaustion from the energy it takes to keep moving forward. Moments of abject fear that everyone will realize what a fraud I am. The kind of moments that make me want to stop doing the hard thing.

Its a fair bet to say that everyone can speak to these exact same feelings at some time or another. Those who can’t are sleeping. 😉 AND although no one knows everything, to call ourselves a fraud is beyond extreme.

So, what do we do in those times to keep moving forward? To conquer the fear? To shore up the tired heart and find the energy and faith we need to keep doing life?

I know the right things to do. The key is to get ’em done. Sometimes I just need a reminder. The next time you find yourself in the throes of giving up, try a couple of these.

Phone a friend. Call up someone in your raving fan club. You’ve got at least one. Your spouse, best friend, mother. Call and let them know what’s going on. Ask them to do what they do best – encourage you. Leaning on your support system is essential in times like this.

Meet up. Send the text or email that asks someone to make time in their day to connect with you. Your people will always make time, especially when they know what’s behind the invitation. It may not be immediate, but even looking forward to the occasion will raise your spirits. We are designed for community. Let your needs be known so others may have the blessing of meeting them. The scriptures say it well, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Exercise. Activate your body. Get the blood flowing. Faulty thinking is usually the problem in fraud-like thinking. Take time to create the endorphins and serotonin your brain needs to clear the cob webs and get you thinking clearly again. Go for a walk, with or without the dog. Do some yoga or calisthenics. Push the wall. The options are limitless.

Pray. Taking time to pray or meditate on the truths of your faith can make the most difference to the spirit that just can’t do it alone anymore. Start with a favorite verse for inspiration and encouragement. Here’s a good one: “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26

Be your own best friend. Its common that when these doubts and fears plague us, we know the truth in our heads, but our hearts don’t seem to get the message. So, talk to yourself like you would your best friend. You would remind them of what is true – they are working hard, they have great value to offer, they are NOT a fraud. Sometimes you need the same message spoken by one who knows.

As quickly as we can go from the top of the mountain to the bottom, we can also recover from the fall. Taking time to connect with others and the reality of who you are, will get you back on the right track. If today you aren’t facing these feelings, spend a few minutes making your emergency list for the future. Knowing who you can call and what you can do when times are hard will put you ahead of the game.

There are so many ways to calm fear and boost our confidence. What works for you? Who is the first person you would call for encouragement?

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What Does It Mean to Be An Encourager?

Five Ways to Champion Your People

A man helping another up the mountain

Sometime in my twenties, I started thinking about encouragement. My guess is that it was the result of a bible study I was part of. Regardless, I remember a time when I did not think about encouragement and a time when I began to. I think the question that started it all was something like this, “who encourages you?” or maybe, “where do you find encouragement?” or even, “how do you encourage others?”

The question has remained with me for the last 20 years. #cough #iliketothinkilookyounger As a result of my pondering, I came to the realization that 1. I am not a particularly encouraging person and 2. I have friends who are natural born encouragers. Discovering that about myself and recognizing the characteristic in others was a pivotal moment in my life. I recognized just how meaningful this gift was when I was the recipient and determined that I could learn how to do it better.

As a school counselor, I would teach my students about the importance of encouragement. I would say, “to encourage others means to fill them with courage, so that they can do what it is they might fear.” This resonates with children. They want to love each other and they certainly understand fear. And for me. To just say those words creates an energy in me that is in itself uplifting. Because things scare me. And I need help to be brave.

To encourage others means to fill them with courage, so that they can do what it is they fear. Click To Tweet

In writing this post, I decided to see what the dictionary has to say about encouragement. Here are some of the synonyms I found: hearten, cheer, buoy up, uplift, inspire, motivate, spur on, fire up, stimulate, invigorate, vitalize, embolden, fortify, rally, support, help, champion, promote, further, foster, nurture, cultivate, strengthen, boost, fuel, persuade, coax, urge, influence. Don’t you just love those words!?! Do they fire you up like they do me?

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”                          ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:11

I don’t think one person would disagree that to encourage others is a necessary and good thing. So, if you are like me, and you have to learn how to do this better, where do you start?

It seems as if encouragement often shows up as the friend who knows you are going through a hard time and calls to check on you, the sibling who answers your midnight phone call and talks you down off the proverbial ledge, the colleague who notices the effort that went into your presentation and commends you for it, the parent who recognizes how much you improved even if you didn’t win, or maybe the sweetheart who reminds you of why they chose you when rejection looms. Do any of these sound familiar? Are you thinking of a thousand more examples?

Although I can and do do these kinds of things for others, I realized that a true encourager does them without effort. There is a giving of their heart that seems to focus only on the pain you are suffering or joy you feel and not their own agenda. The hurdle I strive to overcome is that of realist, or fixer. I find that I get distracted by looking forward instead of staying in the present. In counseling or parenting or relationship building we call that attunement. To be attuned to the feelings and affect of others gives us opportunity to connect on a deep level, to offer comfort, to love well.

Think for a minute about the people in your life. Who do you turn to when the world goes topsy-turvy? Who would you ask to be with you in a crisis? What is it about them that is so comforting? Are they an encourager? What qualities do they have that we can practice?

Here are five things my own encourager role models do that we can all learn.

1. Listen well. Encouragers listen to discover what it is their friend is experiencing. Then they speak to that feeling or experience, hurt or need.
2. Focus on your friend. People who are encouraging have learned how to set aside their own agenda. They stay in the moment, attuning to the person with whom they want to connect and hearten. #lovethatword
3. Notice people. Encouragers have a special knack for noticing people. But this is something we can all learn. It is about paying attention and making a point to remember things about others so that we can speak to who they are. Encouragers have a way of saying “I see you!” This is powerful!! Here are a few more ideas on noticing.
4. Be intentional. Making a decision to communicate hope and courage to others is a wonderful first step in encouraging. Commit to find one person every day who can be encouraged by your words and attention to them.
5. Don’t discriminate. Encouragement isn’t just for people who are struggling. Remember to offer words and gestures that inspire, spur on, embolden, fortify, champion and nurture people when they are up, down or somewhere in the middle. Fill them with the courage they need to continue down the path.

If you have been blessed by encouraging friends and family, or maybe you have experienced a lack of encouragement in hard times, how has that impacted you? What have you been told was an encouragement to someone else? What is one example of how you have been encouraged by another? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how this plays out in your own life.

#thankyouJulesandMelforalltheencouragement

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The Three C’s of Cruising

Erin and Colleen Onboard

My sister and I just took our first cruise ever! I’ve traveled all over the world and never had the desire to go on a cruise until a few years ago. Then, two things happened: 1. More and more of my friends started recommending them and 2. I got a taste for the Caribbean. Who knows what I mean?!

Colleen and Dan Miller

Colleen is officially a Dan Miller fan!

So, when my coach, Dan Miller, announced his bi-annual cruise for our 48 Days Network, I twisted my sister’s arm and signed us up. Let me just say – it was one of the best trips of my life! I’m sure it didn’t hurt that we started on one of the top cruising lines or that we cruised with a wonderful, like-minded group, or that we visited beautiful tropical places. (I know, my diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet’s too small for my fifties. It’s a tough life!)

As much fun as we had on this new adventure, there are three things that really stuck out to me.

Consideration

The last night of the cruise, we enjoyed our evening entertainment. And as a recap of the week, our cruise director (cue “The Love Boat” music), said the following, “There are over 4000 people on this boat, representing more than 70 countries, and look at how we can all get along so well.” How is that possible? Our world certainly doesn’t lend itself to the same successes.

You see, what I experienced over and over again, from guests and crew alike, could best be described as consideration. The respect and kindness afforded the guests by the crew was like none other. They truly exemplified the picture of what it means to serve others. And not in a you’re better than me kind of way. But in a we want to make your vacation and time in our home as enjoyable as possible way. The message was, we will treat you well, exhibit a cheerful attitude and express our pleasure of having you aboard. The quintessential hosts.

And all those vacationers from around the globe? We found, time after time, that happiness to be on vacation, enjoying the luxury of the seas makes people friendly and gracious and patient. I mean, that’s got to be the only explanation for why someone will actually make eye contact and speak to you in an elevator, right?!?

That mutual consideration and respect made our time together a wonderful, unparallelled experience.

Erin and Colleen with Bukhari and Dejan

Bukhari is from Indonesia and Dejan is from Serbia and both were so wonderful to us in the Dining Room

Courage

What does courage have to do with cruising? Have you heard of the Titanic? Anyone who is willing to get on a ship and travel through the depths of the ocean, without a shred of land in sight HAS to be brave, especially after seeing the movie!

Colleen, Anette and Erin

Our new friend, Anette. We ended up on the same Zipline Excursion!

All kidding aside, I think there is a lot to be said of courage on this trip. One example is found in my new friend, Anette. She has been listening to Dan’s podcasts for a while now, which is a rather ordinary thing to do. What makes Anette extraordinary is that she got on a plane in her native Denmark and embarked with a group of 74 American and 2 German strangers for a week at sea. Her willingness to step way out of her comfort zone inspires me to not let fear keep me from doing the things I desire.

What about the 76 other people who are becoming the masters of their own destinies? Many in our group are coaches. Several are writers. Lots of speakers. Business owners. Bloggers. Entrepreneurs. Highly successful human beings. All are looking for new ways to share their message and pursue their passions. It is inevitable that spending time in their company will inspire the seeker to believe Winston Churchill’s words, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” For, each of those who are experiencing success has stories of failure along the way. The difference is they didn’t give up.

Commitment

In my work with kids, I teach that a choice is a commitment. The moment we choose to do or not do something is the decision point. We can never take it back. Take the drunk teenager who chooses to get behind the wheel of a car and kills someone when they lose control. A tragic choice forever etched in their hearts and minds.

This construct of commitment rang true for me on our cruise in several ways. In typical risk-taking fashion, Colleen and I decided to pull the trigger and invest in some exciting excursions.

Exhibit A: Zip-lining through the trees of the Puerto Rican tropical rainforest. It’s hard to miss the reality of commitment when you are strapped to a cable 75 feet above the forest floor and getting ready to step off into thin air. Even though I never was able to master the hand break, it was such a thrill to soar through the trees! What a payoff.

Philipsburg, St. Maarten

Who has time to take pictures when they are trying to not drown?

Exhibit B: Snorkeling in the oceans of St. Maarten. Now, many of you will scoff at the thought that snorkeling takes commitment. I am a strong swimmer, but the thought of fish touching me or the counter-intuitive idea of breathing with my face in the water was quite daunting.

What if I suck in water instead of air? What if I can’t get away from a sea creature that I don’t want to be friends with? What if I become so enamored with the sea that I unknowingly swim off and the boat leaves me? I don’t want to be shark bait. (I really regret watching Open Water.)

So, with mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation, I made an impulsive commitment to a young client that I would suit up and at least try. I knew that sharing my own fears and committing to face them could empower him to do the same. ‘Cause he’s a kid who doesn’t really know who he is and gives up before he even tries. Sounds like a lot of us, right?

In the end, it was my promise and the accountability it held, that gave me the courage to stick with the plan. Surprisingly, it was really easy to get used to breathing with the snorkel apparatus – except for that time the guide used me as the beginning of the buffet line and I sucked in water through my nose. It did take me a while to realize that the real snorkelers DON’T swim with their arms in front of them. #dork  And the coolest part – fish are great swimmers. They know how to avoid touching the seal-ish looking creature between them and dinner. Who knew?!

What a ride that little cruise was. So much so, that I might have put down a deposit on the next one.

I have been blessed with lessons learned in some of the most unexpected places. What are yours? Where do you see courage or commitment or consideration play out in your life? Who are the people who have inspired you to try something new?

Here’s a little lagniappe for your viewing pleasure.

Alligator crazy

Not sure Paul is courageous, but he is definitely committed! Gator Boys in action.