“Why aren’t you married?” WORST. QUESTION. EVER.

I truly believe that most people who ask that question mean it as a compliment. As in, “You are such a great person. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be married.” Unfortunately, what the unsuspecting recipient (who often feels like they were just doused with ice water) hears is something like this, “Wow, if you were really a valuable person with something to offer, you would be married. There must be something really wrong with you.” Thus begins the message that marriage, not personhood, equals value. And, therefore, one of the biggest struggles that single women, in particular, face in American culture.

How does anyone even answer a question like that? Uhhh, I haven’t met the right guy? I chew with my mouth open? I’m completely codependent? The last guy I tried to get to marry me hasn’t been seen in a year? The problem is that most single women who want to be married don’t have any idea why they aren’t. And most people who ask that question haven’t earned the right to start the conversation – enter complete stranger.

What’s true is that many, if not most, women want to be in a loving, committed, healthy relationship. Who wouldn’t? So what stops them? Why aren’t beautiful, kind, talented women married? The reasons are as numerous as they are varied. The better question to focus on is are those same women living the life for which they are designed? Do they believe they have a purpose to fulfill? Have they embraced their story? Or have they bought into the myth that their life doesn’t begin or add value until she becomes we?

There’s got to be a better way to communicate truth to each other. What if the next time we wanted to share value we said something like this – Your kindness really touches me. I’m so inspired by your courage. When I see how you pursue your passion it makes me want to grab onto your star and ride along. You have so much to offer others. I see how you are using your gifts to honor others. Wouldn’t that feel better? To give and receive?

What words do you use to encourage others well? What’s the kindest way someone has recognized your worth? When did you discover your abundant value?