Violent riots. Hateful rhetoric. Eclipse. Hurricanes. Forest fires. Earthquakes. Were we not living the reality, none of us would have believed all these events could have happened in the last six short weeks. America alone has and continues to suffer devastation in three of the four corners of our precious country. And the beautiful world around us suffers even more destruction. That would be enough for many of us. But in the midst of it all, Houston, my city, our city, has taken a huge blow. Even those whose home or business wasn’t personally damaged, are experiencing the trauma of living in an area where so many were. Each person knows someone who has experienced loss. The first question to friends and strangers is often, “How is your home? Did you flood?”

Driving through the streets of Houston in the wake of Hurricane Harvey there is a frequent shift in sights ~ from business-as-usual to what resembles scenes from a war zone. There is no making light of this. The impact of seeing such devastation and police presence is pure shock. Curbs are piled high with sheet rock, carpet, furniture and every personal possession to be imagined. Buildings are vacant, as if hurriedly left in the middle of the night – furniture overturned, books, papers and personal items strewn about by powerful, rising water. Several parts of the city remain submerged, patrolled by local and national law enforcement present in boats, helicopters, squad cars, and humvees. Many live with an ever increasing knowledge of levees, mold, insurance adjusters, “mucking out”, respiration masks and FEMA. Whether in Houston or elsewhere, it is clear that the damage is real. And long lasting.

In the midst of it all, life continues. Loved ones die. Layoffs happen. Cancer diagnoses are given. Relationships end. Even those who have been unscathed, experience the reality of survivors guilt. The pain and suffering can feel overwhelming.

Lest you think this post is simply another news story cataloging the destruction, let us ask the questions, “What good is there? What do I do when it feels overwhelming? Where is God? Where do I go??”

Oh, the good. He brings the good in spades. Look around. What do you see in the midst of the chaos? What do you hear?

When I think back to the week of August 15th and the state of my social media sites, I am reminded of the conflict, criticism and anger. No one was spared. The judgment and guilt flowed freely. It was clearly brother against brother across the country. And yet, four short weeks later and what fills my feed? Stories of heroism, sacrifice and love. Hope for a hurting country.

Thousands have poured into Southeast Texas from far away places. Millions of dollars have been donated by people, companies and sports teams across the land. Businesses have stepped forward to offer aid and grace. People. People have come forth in boats and trucks, donned masks and gloves to rescue the people and restore the homes of strangers. The freeways are full of emergency vehicles set to keep the peace, recovery vehicles to restore property and buses and vans filled with strangers to do the work. Name a license plate and I’ve seen it. Every day I am amazed by the generosity of strangers. That they would leave their homes, travel across the country, wade through the infested waters and enter mold-filled homes to help another human being is inspiring. And humbling. This is the good.

These stories are manifestations of the scriptures. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Matthew 22:36-40 tells us, “Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'” We see them come to life in technicolor. Look for examples around you.

But what about when it’s not enough? Do you find yourself asking, “What do I do when there is too much? How can I possibly handle it?”

Houston and many other places have experienced a significant trauma. The widespread destruction, the sheer number of people impacted, the suddenness, the experience of being IN it and the fact that support systems have also been affected make it even more difficult to overcome. Difficult, but not impossible. Jesus himself told us, “…in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) We are promised in Deuteronomy 31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” To the Israelites, Isaiah said, “…the Lord will go before you, the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” (Isaiah 52:12) Take heart, dear ones!!

The scriptures are full of promises just like these!! He sees our suffering and weeps with us. He longs to comfort us in the midst of the pain, as He stands in front of, behind and next to us throughout it all. (See Zechariah 2:5) Paul writes in Philippians, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” And yet, we can do very little on our own. Certainly not in the wake of such trauma and heartache. Where is God? With us. Always. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Rest, dear ones.

And in the midst of the struggle, He gives us good gifts. These are some that you can embrace:

1. Grief – “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecc. 3:1, 4) The Lord gives us the gift of grief. The ability to feel deeply the losses we experience, so that we may know the value of this life. So that we may turn to Him for our comfort. Jesus experienced this. He knows the suffering and is a balm to our souls. Let yourself grieve the loss – however big or small. It is a natural human emotion, given to us by Him for expression. Don’t bottle it up or brush it aside.

2. Community – Think again of all the examples of community coming together. Be inspired by the brotherly love that is growing day by day in the midst of tragedies. There is an old song that keeps playing through my mind, “They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes, they will know we are Christians by our love…” We have an opportunity to show the love of Christ to friends and strangers. To love as He first loved us. If you have need, ask for help. Give others the opportunity to be His hands and feet to you. If you have enough, offer to others. We each have special skills to share. And yet there are tasks that don’t require any skill at all. Find a place to serve. Proverbs 11:25 says, “A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes another will himself be refreshed.” Go, and be refreshed.

3. Self Care – “Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” (Luke 5:15-16) Jesus knew that he must have time alone with his Father – to be refreshed and re-centered in the midst of this earthly life. And we, in our humanity, must do the same. We must take time to rest, recharge and refill so that we can then love and serve others. So, sleep, eat, laugh, take brain breaks, move your body, pray, meditate and refresh your soul. Fill your pitcher, so that you then have something to pour into the cups of those you serve. For, if you don’t HAVE anything to give, you don’t have ANYTHING to give.

4. Connection – We are created for connection. The Lord gave Eve to Adam because he saw it was not good for him to be alone. (See Genesis 2:18) Throughout the scriptures we see the power of family and friendship. David had Jonathan, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were together in the fire, Jesus had 12 disciples and three in his closest circle. We are created for community and connection. In times of despair and anxiety, it is crucial that we reach out to those we love. We must make our needs known AND we must anticipate the needs of others. Love goes both ways. Think of two people you can call this week to check on or offer love to or pray for and with. You won’t regret making the time for this connection.

There are so many gifts. Look for them in your life and share them with others.

And in the meantime, notice what is happening… each day brings changes. Babies are born. Treatment is finished. Weddings are celebrated. Roads open. Power is restored. Homes are accessible. Trash is collected. Businesses reopen. The weather cools. Yes. Change happens. Restoration begins. Healing comes. This is the circle of life. We see it before us and we are hopeful. We begin to believe that maybe things won’t always be as they are. Maybe it will be okay again. Whatever your loss, whatever your anxiety or worry, whatever your pain, remember that He sees you. He is with you. He will never leave you. Go to Him.

Romans 8 and 2 Corinthians 1 are full of these assurances. Spend some time there this week.

What are your favorite scripture verses to remember when life is hard? What do you do to cope with difficult feelings and circumstances? 

The holidays can be the hardest time of year, especially for someone suffering the loss of a loved one. As discussed in this post, grief stress can easily overwhelm and steal the joy of the Christmas season. Whether it is you or someone you love who is grieving, it is important to offer grace. The grace to miss them. Grace to slow down and simplify. Grace to let yourself weep. Grace to take one day at a time. And even the grace to enjoy the season without them. 

Today, I’m honored to share a post written by my friend and colleague, Teresa Bartnicki, MA, LPC-Intern. Teresa’s post, with wisdom and compassion, provides practical ways to support those who grieve. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Many of us struggle to find ways to help and support grieving family members and friends during the holidays. We want to help, but we often don’t know where to start. We are afraid of doing the wrong thing, so we end up doing nothing at all. Here are some ways that you can reach out to and support your grieving loved ones through the holidays:

• Support loved one’s decisions about how to celebrate the holidays. Give them the freedom to keep or change traditions as needed. Let go of any expectations and provide a consistent, calming and accepting presence.
• Offer to help with baking, cleaning, or seasonal decorating. These tasks can be simply overwhelming for those who are grieving.
• Offer to help prepare holiday mail or join them in holiday shopping.
• Invite the person to join you or your family for the holidays. Help plan an exit strategy in case one is needed.
• Ask them what help they need for the holidays and be open to what doesn’t help.
• Respect their need for privacy and solitude.
• Offer to share a cup of coffee or take a relaxing walk.
• Listen to them. Then listen some more. Practice being at ease with whatever emotion they may be feeling.
• Send them a gift. Give them a journal with words of encouragement or hope written on the inside cover.
• Offer to sit with them. Let them know that they are not alone.

When you catch yourself thinking about grieving loved ones this holiday season, be sure to reach out to them. Remember that they need your support now more than ever. While you can’t take away the pain of their loss, you can let them know that you care and that you are there for them for the long haul. Continue to check on them after the holidays and be present in as many ways as before. One of the most helpful things you can remember is that grief is not linear and grief doesn’t go away after all of the “firsts”. Continue to reach out to your loved ones on meaningful days and let them know that you are there for them through ALL of their seasons of grief.

Teresa Bartnicki is a Licensed Professional Counselor Intern at The WARM Place in Ft. Worth, Texas. She has a heart for all those who grieve and spends as much time as possible with her great loves: family and running.

If, this year, you are the one grieving, ask for help. Share this post with those you love to help them understand what you might need. Find ways to honor those you miss. Remember them this Christmas.

Four times in the past two weeks I’ve come face to face with the topic of helping. Do you ask for or accept help when you need it?

My friend, Molly, is a pretty independent woman. She told me recently about how she experienced debilitating illness several years ago. Debilitating to the point that she could not remain independent. Debilitating to the extent that if she didn’t ask for help, she might not eat. Or work. Or even get out of bed. It was in this time of her life that Molly learned the importance of relying on, depending on, and needing others. It was a hard lesson to learn.

Sometimes it takes a hard hit to be convinced that we actually do need people.

Larry Crabb, author of the book Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Path to Joy addresses this very concept. He starts with the following verse: “Anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ~ Luke 18:17

In application, Crabb suggests that Jesus meant something like the following, “‘Nobody is more needy and has less to give than an infant…they are takers through and through, not only because they are selfish (though they are) but because they are helpless. Be like that! You are helpless, so admit it. Learn to receive what you cannot provide for yourself.'” He goes on to write, “The truth is we don’t much like being dependent. We don’t enjoy admitting how desperately we long for someone’s kindness and involvement.” Why is that?

Sometimes it’s about fear. The fear that if I ask, I will be rejected. And most of us don’t think that we can handle that. Or maybe it’s about perfectionism. We believe that others won’t complete the task to our standards. We elevate perfection above need. Or perhaps we don’t want to impose. We decide for others what they can and want to give. Centrally, we believe that we don’t deserve their help. Hmm.

Somewhere along the way we have been taught to believe that to need is weakness. And to be strong means we can do it all on our own. So much so, that we have developed a new word for it: “needy” – to be weak, pathetic, and less than.  I’m not sure where this came from, but I think we have it backwards. What if another reason we struggle to ask for or accept offered help has to do with vulnerability and consequently, humility?

When we accept that we are not designed to meet all of our own needs, we can embrace our limitations. We realize in the depth of our soul that we will never be enough. That we must rely on another, actually, many others, to survive in this difficult world. And on a soul level, to experience our deepest needs has the ability to point us to the only ONE who can meet them.

Crabb says, “we DESPERATELY LONG for someone’s kindness and involvement.” Sigh. I believe that is true. The cry of our heart is to be loved. And yet we are afraid to make that known. But the Good News is that choosing to have the courage to ask for what we need can bring us the blessings we hope for in this life.

In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul writes, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Ah, the courage and the blessing.

Do you love to help others? Do you find pleasure in doing for little ones, disabled ones and old ones what they cannot do for themselves? Do you experience joy in using your talents to help someone who struggles? If so, consider that you are depriving someone else of that same joy by not making your own needs known.

And my friend Molly? All these years later, Molly looks for people like her – those who need help and don’t ask. She finds great joy in giving because she knows the blessing of receiving. Last month Molly’s friend called and thanked her for babysitting when she went through a terrible divorce – seven years earlier. There’s no statute of limitations on gratitude. Molly knows the depth of it.

Like the little child, we are all helpless.

What keeps you from asking for help? Do you have another reason other than what is written here? Have you learned how to ask for and graciously receive help?

When I was about 15 years old, I went to the hardware store with my father. As we were checking out, I took note of my dad’s farewell, “Thank you Joe. Have a great day!” As we walked away, I asked, “Dad, do you know him?” “No.” “Then how do you know his name?” I asked the question with the annoyance of the teenager who thinks everything her father does is another attempt to embarrass her personally. And my dad spoke to EVERYONE. BY NAME. ALL THE TIME. ARG! I had had enough. He needed to know how ridiculous and unnecessary his behavior was. It was my turn to school him.

My dad’s answer to my question? “It was on his name tag. And it feels good to be called by name. Like we really matter.” Bam! Pivotal life moment.

I realized that my dad was right. Being called by our name holds more power than we can explain. In the past 30 years I have experienced it’s power over and over again: from the high school counselor who regularly announced my name at awards programs as ERN, to the doctor who had his nurse rewrite my chart because he noticed I had spelled it differently. I have a hard name. People have been mispronouncing and misspelling it my entire life. Erin is not well known as a girl’s name and therefore difficult to pronounce, spell and identify gender. And Robison really does people in. Even when someone recognizes it doesn’t have an “n” in the middle, they can’t seem to wrap their head around correct pronunciation. So the person who gets it right, wins major points with me.

That day in the hardware store, my father’s words hit a nerve. Not the annoyed “nobody ever gets my name right” kind of nerve, but the, “hey, that really is true” kind. It was the spark that would eventually change the way I interact with people.

Fast forward to college. At a school of 45,000 students, involvement is what keeps you from being just a number. So making my first student organization one with over 300 members was an exciting but daunting experience. However, when Greg Flynn greeted me by name, I fully grasped the power of his words. Greg was a name guy. He met hundreds of people every month and knew their names forever. It is what made him like-able, approachable and kind. I can close my eyes and experience that moment like it was yesterday. “Hey Erin! So glad you are here!” My intimidating new world just got a lot smaller. And when he continued to do the same for EVERY member he encountered, I remembered, and most importantly, experienced my dad’s words. And their power.

The third, and ultimately life changing, event happened a year later. Our application for Orientation Leaders included a recent picture. I don’t remember if we were interviewed or not. But when I was accepted and attended the first mixer to meet the other members, every Exec welcomed me by name. I discovered later that they had spent the semester memorizing our names and faces using those pictures. All 350 of us. That was the lynch pin for me.

I have carried each of those experiences with me for the past 25+ years. But more than that, I have incorporated the lesson into the way I live my life. In doing so, I have continued to see first hand the power of being called by name. The number of times a cashier has looked at me with surprise and curiosity, when greeted by name, is too many to count. And the looks of pleasure and affirmation that replaced the surprise are equally numerous.

I have discovered that to call someone by their name creates a connection in a unique way. The customer service representative who changes their tone and goes the extra mile, simply because I humanized them and made them feel important. The child who is amazed that I can remember their name out of 800, when I all I did was surreptitiously read the tag hanging from their shirt. The homeless man on the corner whose eyes light up when I, probably the first person in hundreds, ask his name. These people are forever changed by such a simple thing. I know because I have experienced it. By my own right and in their presence.

Shakespeare says, “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”, suggesting it matters not that Romeo is a Montague and Juliet a Capulet. While that may be true for his purposes of star-crossed love, I think that names are of the utmost importance.

The scriptures say, “I have called you by name. You are mine.” ~ Isaiah 43:1 The Redeemer of Israel, the One who created us, who knew us before the world was made, knows our name. He calls it. We are His children.

When I was working in the schools, I would say to my students, “If I call you “kid” or “student”, how does that feel?” You can imagine the giggling responses. “Ms. Robison, you wouldn’t do that!” Taking the time to learn and remember someone’s name is one of the greatest kindnesses we can pay.

So, I’m a name guy, er, gal. I am blessed with a good memory, but I have also learned how to do this well. What about someone who has a hard time remembering names? Notice, I didn’t say can’t. That word doesn’t apply. We can and do things that matter. Just because it is important to me and I teach it and I have a pretty good memory doesn’t mean I am perfect. But I have found ways to help, because I think it makes a difference.

1. Visualize their name when they say it. I’m a visual learner. And I find that if I know how to spell a name, I am much more likely to remember it. “But what if his name is John?” Hello, we live in a world FULL of creative spellings. So, said with genuine interest, the following always works: “How do you spell your name? Oh, the traditional way! (insert chuckle) Does anyone ever spell it wrong or just me? You never know anymore with so many creative parents out there….” See how such a simple question turns into a fun conversation? That alone will help you the next time you see John. By the way, I know someone named Mykl (Michael). #creative

2. Write it down. If you know you will run into this person later, take a minute to write down their name. With a smart phone at hand, you don’t even have to carry a pen. I have a list inside my kitchen cupboard with all the apartment numbers in my stairwell. When I meet a new neighbor, I simply write their name next to their number. And periodically I reference my list. Its amazing how quickly you can break through barriers by greeting your neighbor by name.

3. Associate. My little nephew thought Ms. Peggy said “oink, oink”. No, IP, not Ms. Piggy. But you can guarantee my sister will never forget Ms. Peggy’s name! Or, Lisa Marie, “thank you! thank you very much!” Elvis never goes out of style. Create associations for names you need to remember.

4. Use the alphabet. Remember the spelling visualization tip I mentioned? When I’m having trouble remembering a name, I simply focus and work through the alphabet. This is a fool proof trick. You have to concentrate on each letter and allow your brain to tell you if that letter feels right or not. If I get to the right letter and can’t remember the name, I start thinking of names that begin with that letter. You can train your brain to do this. “A? B? C?…”

What about those dreaded moments when you can’t remember the name of someone you have already met? Try these tips.

1. Introduce yourself, again. Chances are they don’t remember your name either. “Hey, my name’s Erin, by the way. I know it’s hard to remember everyone you meet.” Nine times out of 10, you will see a relieved expression and they will tell you their name again, too. And if they don’t, just graciously ask. Don’t be the guy on the 6th floor calling Chandler “Toby” for three years because you were too embarrassed to get the facts straight. That never ends well. #alwaysarelevantFRIENDSreference

2. Enlist your wingman. If you forget the guy’s name, introduce your friend first. “Hi! This is my friend, Emily.” Sometimes there will be an awkward pause before said guy will then follow suit and introduce himself. If that’s the case, you apologize for being so rude, “Oh goodness, I’m so sorry! Where are my manners?!” But usually they will swiftly make the introduction and you have covered your own forgetfulness.

3. Create a plan beforehand. My friends with whom I wander about town have been instructed that if I don’t introduce them to a new person, that ALWAYS means I’ve forgotten their name. This is their cue to introduce themselves and let me take the fall for being so gauche. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew each other” or “Good grief, what is the matter with me?!” Which is another point – ALWAYS introduce people to each other. Don’t assume they have met OR they remember each others names. Miss Manners wrote the book on this necessary and oft forgotten social grace.

Years ago I knew a guy. I hung out with him at work events and through a close mutual friend, over the course of several years. After not having seen him for a few years we ran into each other again. “Hey Jeff! How are you? What have you been up to?” At the end of the conversation he said, “I’m sorry. What’s your name again?” Not cool, dude. This is when you wait and ask the mutual friend, who happens to be standing nearby, what my name is. I would have done better never knowing he had forgotten my name. What it communicated to me was that I wasn’t important. I’m sure that’s not what he intended, but nevertheless, that was the result.

We do what is important. We make time for things we value. None of us is perfect. But we all have the capacity to learn new things and treat others with kindness.

What little ways have you been impacted by others, as I have by names? What habit have you adopted because you see how much it blesses other people? When did someone remember you name and it has stayed with you since?